How to Actually Have Windmill Sex Because, Dammit Hannah B., You Inspired Me

How to Actually Have Windmill Sex Because, Dammit Hannah B., You Inspired Me

“I f*cked in a windmill, and guess what? We did it a second time!” confessed our Hannah B. to (can he please go home already?) Luke P. in this week’s promo. Obviously, we have a lot of questions. Who does Hannah B. have windmill sex with? What is windmill sex like? Is it safe? Can we try it at home—er, in a windmill near us?

We talked to some experts to find out if and how this kind of sexy time is even possible, because I know I’m not the only one wondering. Behold, seven helpful tips and tricks for windmill fornication:

Do It Sober

According to sexologist and relationship therapist Shamyra Howard, LCSW, this is the key to successful windmill sex. There are lots of gadgets and gizmos in there—you definitely don’t want to be drunkenly stumbling around and have anyone’s, uh, extremities get nicked by a propeller. (Though let’s be real, I’m sure Peter, Jed, and Tyler wouldn’t be mad if Luke P. sustained a peen injury.)

“Alcohol can increase your chance of injury or death depending on the type of windmill. It’s probably safe to only go into a windmill two at a time—soberly!” recommends Howard.

Don’t Be Adventurous

You’re already in an effing windmill. No need to go all BDSM Fifty Shades on someone, mmkay? “The mechanism should not be used as bondage ties points,” says Carol Queen, CalExotics’ resident sexologist.

And speaking of safety, make sure you’re getting intimate as far away as possible from the machinery, gears, dust, or dirt. Hannah B. may want to know what’s inside her men’s hearts, but you definitely don’t want any windmill inside you—it’s a UTI waiting to happen.

Do It Up Against the Wall

Carpe diem. “The person with the vagina can catch the wall with their hands, arch their back, and receive the penis from behind,” says Howard. And when you’re ready to switch up the position, Howard suggests, “The person with the penis can rest their back against a wall or sturdy surface and enter the vagina from behind.” Walls…ya gotta love ’em.

Bring Accessories

According to Queen (our aforementioned expert, not Hannah B., lol), there are a few things you’ll wanna pack for your windmill rendezvous: namely, a blanket, lube, condoms, and a rechargeable Magic Wand since there probs aren’t any electrical outlets to plug in your Hitachi.

FYI: Windmills are not equipped with condoms dispensers, so come prepared to wrap it up before you tap it. TBD if Hannah did—but if she knocked boots with Peter, he probably had a condom handy from his Benz.

Watch Out for Splinters

Just like we try to steer clear of spoilers from Reality Steve, you should try to steer clear of those tiny-ass pieces of wood protruding from the walls. Sex splinters are almost as much of a buzzkill as Jed whipping out his guitar when no one asked (Sorry, Jed stans!).

Check the Laws…?

“Many windmills are historic and no longer in use, but you should still be careful. Most are not left open for people to go into and have sex, and I cannot endorse breaking and entering,” says Queen.

Fair, but you know what? Just as Hannah broke tradition and didn’t send anyone home after hometowns, you. do. you.

If You Don’t Have Access to a Windmill, Just Try the Sex Position

For those unfortunate few who are unable to locate a windmill in your hometown, good news! According to Urban Dictionary, “the windmill” is a legit sex position. It happens when a man uses his hips to swing his penis in a circular motion, à la the majestic blades of a windmill. Personally, I’d find it hard (har, har) to keep a straight face doing this position—it’s sex, not charades, y’all!

And that’s it, folks. According to Hannah, windmill sex is so good, you’ll want to do it twice. Let’s just hope that her suitor isn’t Jed because no one wants to hear the song he would inevitably write about f*cking in a windmill.

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