Today is National Piña Colada Day, which is, of course, very important. Happy National Piña Colada Day, everyone!
Made with rum, coconut cream, and pineapple juice (the name literally means ‘strained pineapple’ in Spanish), the cocktail has become a symbol of care-free, tropical fun.
But before we get too carried away with the celebrations, we first need to discussthat song; and the story it tells of a man reading a lonely hearts advert… because he’s bored of the relationship he’s currently in.
To repeat: this man already has a girlfriend! He’s a love rat, a f**k boy, a waste man! This is not a romantic song, folks.
The song’s first stipulation is ‘if you like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain…’.
What a bizarre combination of tastes to demand of a prospective partner. Piña Coladas are quite nice, sure (they’re no mojito)…but who enjoys getting caught in the rain?
Obviously it’s different if you get drenched at the beach by a tropical rainstorm – something which lends itself more to frolicking – but, for most of us, it’s going to happen while we’re trundling home from the supermarket, our shoes squelching against the pavement, on a dismal Tuesday evening. In Balham.
The chorus continues, ‘if you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain.’
Now hold on just a minute here: what the hell is wrong with yoga? Wouldn’t you want someone you intend to have sex with to be supple, flexible, and in tune with their own body?
Not to mention the implication that yoga is an activity for idiots — when studies show that it’s actually very good for your brain.
‘I didn’t think about my lady,’ the narrator admits, ‘I know that sounds kind of mean.’ It’s worse than kind of mean, mate. It’s monstrous. It’s unforgivable.
Rupert Holmes, singer of the Piñ a Colada song, it gives me no pleasure to report that I’m putting you on blast.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way: here are some fun things you can do to celebrate National Piña Colada day.
For all the cheapskates out there, if you download the Young’s pubs app, you can get a free Piña Colada.
In possibly the most niche promotional deal ever to have existed, the Sheraton Grand Hotel in Mayfair is offering your dog a free ‘Poochie Colada dogtail’ if you buy a human one for yourself. I’m sure your dog will love that.
Londis, meanwhile, are giving you the opportunity to win a bottle of Malibu Passion Fruit (that traditional Piña Colada ingredient) if you tell them a song you only know the chorus to. You could just say anything, really — how would they check?
How to make a piña colada:
- 50ml white rum
- 50ml coconut cream
- 100ml pineapple juice
- A pineapple to serve
Pulse your rum, cream, and pineapple juice in a blender with ice. Pour into a glass (or a hollowed out pineapple, if you’re feeling fancy) and top with a slice of pineapple. Done.
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