Steph & Dom solve your sex, love & life troubles: Can I ask my friend’s former boyfriend out?
- Reader asked for advice after wanting to date her friend’s former boyfriend
- Steph told the anonymous reader to not do it as it would lead to a difficult time
- Meanwhile, Dom warned the reader that her interest seemed a little premature
TV’s Steph and Dom Parker, 52 and 54, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems . . .
Q Please help. I’m 42, single and have been using a dating app for the past few years.
It’s been a mixed experience and I was thinking about deleting it when I came across one of my friend’s ex-boyfriends on there. They broke up in March, after three years together.
I know this sounds awful, but I’ve always had a bit of a thing for him.
A reader asked for advice after wanting to date her friend’s former boyfriend (stock photo)
We would have these long, intense chats at parties and I used to swear there was something there. To be honest, I saw it coming. They weren’t at all compatible, but she was very pushy about the whole thing and desperate to get married.
So now I am in a dilemma. Do I swipe for him if he pops up, and see if we match?
Or do I straight up message him on Facebook? I’m worried that if I don’t, the opportunity will just pass me by.
But this could ruin my friendship — she was devastated when he left her. I’m fed up with being single and I’ve always liked him! It’s driving me mad! What do I do?
STEPH SAYS:
Steph (pictured left) told the anonymous reader to not do it as it would lead to a difficult time
Please do not do this. You are setting yourself up for a very difficult time.
Lets break this down. His last relationship ended only three months ago, for the very reason that he did not want to settle down! Moreover, the current trend for dating apps has made it incredibly easy for people to set up one-night stands or three-week-stands or whatever it might be. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, if that’s what you’re looking for.
But you say you want a partner, not a fling. Ask yourself how likely it is that a bloke in his early 40s, a few months out of a serious relationship with a partner who was pushing for marriage, is really looking to settle down right now? Exactly.
Second, I imagine he is more than aware you are on the dating scene. After all he popped up on your app — you may well have popped up on his! And he hasn’t made a move.
He may have caught your attention after you had a little flirt at a party, but you clearly haven’t caught his or he would have been in touch.
By contacting him you are risking huge rejection — and not just from him but from your friend as well! She is clearly devastated by her break-up with this man and you pursuing him now will end in disaster!
She will never forgive you if you chase the man who broke her heart. You shouldn’t do it.
What I suggest you should do instead is ask yourself why you are even considering this? It seems to me that you might be lowering your personal standards, which would indicate that you’re not feeling emotionally strong. Don’t put yourself in a position where your potentially fragile self-esteem will likely be rocked further.
I suggest you take a long hard look at your other relationships and re-evaluate their worth. Friendships can be just as fulfilling as romantic relationships — and sometimes more so. I’m genuinely concerned for you that you may not see that.
I think that deep down you know you shouldn’t deliberately hurt your friend in this way. You know that there is an unspoken pact between good friends. If you are seeking permission to break it, I’m afraid you won’t get that from me.
I believe that sisterhood is a sacred and precious gift and my wish for you is that you spend some more time with your girl friends, drink some wine, set the world to rights and realise you’re absolutely fine on your own.
DOM SAYS:
Meanwhile, Dom (pictured) warned the reader that her interest seemed a little premature
The first thing that leaps out at me here is just how recent their split is. You say they went their separate ways in March. Well that’s only four months, which really isn’t much time at all.
There are many couples who break up and get back together — or at least have a bit of to-ing and fro-ing before finally calling it quits. Your interest does seem a little premature.
Even if you are certain that they will definitely not reunite, you do seem to be in a bit of a rush. How do you think your friend would react were you to ask her if she minded you chatting up her very recent ex? I suspect she might be furious.
The speed of this bothers me in another way, too. Not to put too fine a point on it, you’re coming across as a little desperate. Keen is good, but over-eager is not. You say in your letter that you’re fed up with being single, but I fear that your enthusiasm to find a bloke might be a bit off-putting. Are you really sure it’s this bloke you’re after, or is it just any bloke? If the object of your affections feels that it’s not really about him, he’s unlikely to react favourably.
Which brings me to my next point. You know that he’s single and he knows that you’re single, yet he hasn’t approached you on the dating app or on social media. Of course, this could simply be that it hasn’t occurred to him. But it’s also possible that he knows very well that you’re looking for love but doesn’t feel you’ll find it with him.
There could be a million reasons for this, not least the impact on your friend.
Finally, ask yourself if you and this chap were to find your happy ever after, what would that mean for your friendship? My money would be that you’d lose the friend. So, no, I say, leave well alone. This is a can of worms and there’s no point in opening it!
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